"Five Things I Hate"

Everyone on planet Earth has likes and dislikes. One of my strongest dislikes is lists. Especially list of likes and dislikes! But since you brave folk have ventured under the Black Cloud for another peek into my strange mind, I decided to give you more small clues about me through a list of Ten Things I Hate. Hate is a strong word, but i decided not to water it down and go with vehemently dislikes. I think the things I list below deserve a strong word so I decided to stick with hate. I almost went with vehemently hates. For those of you dying to know more about me other than the fact I'm 200 pounds of twisted steel and sex appeal and the father of everybody's favorite blogger Ericka, here is a brief glimpse into my world through my list of hates:

1: I absolutely hate useless festering pustules of human beings who possess no discernible skills, offer absolutely nothing to humanity, yet make untold fortunes from being totally void of any talent. I give you Paris Hilton, Jon & Kate minus the eight (can't blame the kids!), Reverend Al Sharpton, the US Congress, Bill Maher, Kathy Griffin, Snoop Dog, any reality show star, and George Clooney (sorry George, Ericka made me say it). This is by no means a complete list of useless people. I just found it useless to keep adding names. You know who they are.

2: I hate it when my wife gives directions. Anybody who knows me knows I need directions. But please, give them to me in words I can understand! When most men give directions they say things like, "You take interstate 37 North to Hwy 77 South. Go about ten miles and turn right onto Farm Road 55." My wife says (and I believe most women do this too), "Go a little ways down that big road and turn by the pretty pink house with the big tree. You drive a little while longer until you see the big Frito Lay truck in the yard of that two story white house, you know the one, and turn right I think..." You get the picture.

3. I hate TV weathermen. The fake smile, fake humor, fake effervescent mood, fake tan, and fake knowledge of weather just makes me ill. The teasers are the worst. I mean like you are watching a good show and the weatherman pops in in a ten second spot and says, "We are in for a drastic weather change folks, find out tonight at ten," and he flashes that idiotic grin and giant shark tooth smile. So like a good little idiot, I watch at ten to find out the sun's still shining tomorrow but the temperature will be two degrees warmer. I hate that bastard! Just once I wish a TV station would be honest and say to the viewers, "We have decided to lay off Smilin Bastard to save money while we know every day is hot and sunny. We will call Smilin Bastard back in when we actually have a hurricane or storm or something worth mentioning." Just once I would like to see that.

4. I hate hypocrites. I hate the TV evangelist who cries, whines, and begs for money and tells you how if you don't do it the fires of Hell are waiting for you. So you send the check because who needs the heat. Next thing you hear that same preacher is caught soliciting a five dollar crack whore in the parking lot of a strip club. As far as can be scientifically proven all members of Congress are hypocrites, and you don't need the reasons because you already know this. Also, so called environmentalists like Al Gore and every half ass actor who kneels at his altar, but have a carbon footprint the size of a Mastodon from their private jets, limos, hummers, 20, 000 square feet homes, etc. God I hate hypocrites.

5. I hate parents who don't put their kids first. I have so often seen people have kids but never become parents. The dead beat moms and dads speak for themselves. They simply suck. But I'm talking more about people who have kids but always put their own careers and personal lives first. They take vacations without the kids because they need alone time. This would be okay except they do it more than they do with the kids. They blow a fortune on the latest greatest car so the kids will be "safe" when personal image is the real motivator. Baby sitters, day care, and nannies all spend more time with their kids than they do. They whine about how hard they work to provide for their children, yet they never go to games, practices, plays, or just hang out with them. I honestly believe the most valuable things we ever learn about ourselves we learn from our kids. I think I pity these people more than I hate them.

To be honest, I was going to do a list of "Ten Things I Hate" but when I got to number six I said I hated people who don't get to the point and take forever to say something. So I decided to stop at five things I hate in order not to incriminate myself. There it is folks, a peek behind the curtain or under the Black Cloud if you will. I feel naked.